Finding the Way

It's been an adventure...this turmoil called unemployment.  Since December so much is the same but so much is different as well.  Tim is still without full time employment.  He is getting freelance jobs here and there and I have one child in my care every day.  Two our our adult children are living at home and helping with getting by.  We are facing the real threat of losing our house if our situation doesn't change quickly.

You would think I would be depressed and overwhelmed.  I don't feel that I am.  The one thing that has changed to the positive is helping my husband and I find our way.  Find our way back together when a few short months ago I almost thought that one or both of us were giving up on our marriage.  We have for the first time in our 34 year marriage started attending church TOGETHER.

The first few years of our marriage I attended weekly Mass as I had done all my life as a devout Catholic.  As I had children I took the kids along.  Daddy however worked most Sundays and when he did because he wasn't Catholic he used that time to get extra sleep, an chore done or watch whomever was too young to attend Mass.  When he was home on holidays Daddy would go with the kids and me.  He worked hard to make sure the kids went to Catholic Schools for the first few years.  Later we moved from our home town and the kids started attending a local public school.   When we moved again the Catholic School had a waiting list and again the kids attended public school.  Mom and the kids belonged to the local parish and I made sure they all went to "Sunday School" on Weds nights...at least till they protested that they were old enough to choose for themselves which I at the time felt was High School.

With four kids I was busy with all my volunteer work including work for the church and boy and girl scouts, 4H and PTA for often time three different schools.  I attended church faithfully and all alone sometimes for the first 25 years of my marriage.

Then I had a lapse of faith or at least had a lapse in my commitment to my faith.  I could share with you all my excuses.  The failure of my church family, my pastor but the real failure was in myself.  I had simply taken for granted my faith for so long and allowed it to become just background noise in my life.  I prayed, I still believed, I still worshiped but I did not attend church regularly.  The times I visited my mother's church I felt at home, at peace, renewed..but soon after I would return home those feelings were lost to me gain. Over the years I always considered myself a Catholic, and a Christian and I didn't give much thought on the impact that not attending church really had in my life.  In our lives, and in our marriage.

Years ago I met a dear sweet friend of mine.  She is a faithful church goer.  Over the last few years she invited me to visit her home and attend church services a her Baptist Church.  I have gone several times and each time attending adult Sunday School.  At first I considered the experience interesting.  But after I attended a few more times I started longing for what these people have...faith, and a church  family to share it with.  Even though I was not a Baptist, I was a Christian and could agree on many matters of faith they held dear.  In other points I defended what I believed as a Catholic.  I enjoyed these visits to her church and I wished that she didn't live so far away and I could worship with her more often.  As positive as this experience was I soon lost that feeling as weeks went by and still nothing changed in my life at home.

My husband and I have a 10 year old granddaughter that we adore.  I think we would move heaven and earth aside for this little girl.  I don't know if it's because she is grandchild number one or because she spent her first years of life living in our home but she is more precious to us than words can express.  As Jesus promised
"A little child share lead you."  Payton started attending a local church with her other grandparents.  She would tell us about the fun she had, what she learned and ask questions about our religious beliefs.  We assured her we were Christians like she was and I also started to share some of the foundations of Catholic Belief that was her father's heritage.  She asked us the hard questions including "Why don't you go to church?"

I didn't have an answer.  She invited us to some of the services a her church.  We attended and enjoyed the program, speaker or music that was featured.  She asked us to watch her sing at the Christmas Program. We came and enjoyed the program and started to realize that we enjoyed the worship as well.  We attended the Christmas Eve service  with Payton and both my daughters and it was the official kickoff to our holidays.  It was so nice to be all together and worshiping the Lord.

After Christmas there  were more invitations and several  times we visited Paytons Church.  On Easter Sunday we attended the largest church gathering I have ever been to.  Over 5,000 people, and at during the sermon I was so moved by the Pastors words that I knew I was changed forever.  What I didn't know was that my husband who was sitting beside me was changed as well.  When they asked whom among us felt that we were recommitted to Christ both my husband and I stood together holding hands.  It was the day of our 34th wedding anniversary and the day our marriage was born again in Christ.

It was the most glorious Easter I have ever known.  None of my children were there.  No easter egg hunts, no candy baskets..just my husband and I and the Lord as if 5,000 people just slipped away.

My husband I attend church every week. We are considering joining "Payton's" church.  We are talking about the plans God has for our family.  We are talking about His Word.  We are talking about things that have been unspoken for over 30 years.  We have found our faith together and so it's making it easier for us.  We are trusting that whatever plans lay before us they are God's Plans.  We have found the Way!!

High Anxiety

If you are my age you might remember a Mel Brooks film Called High Anxiety.  Poor Mel Brook would get into elevators and the whirling swirling feelings of anxiety would overtake an otherwise strong character.

Have you ever felt like that?  Sometimes I think that my life is a serious of anxiety attacks.  Small moments of calm are interlaced with crazy whirlings and swirlings.  The good think about those attacks are they only last a short while and as quickly as they come on they fade away.

My husband is still without regular employment.  His paydays are infrequent and we have no insurance coverage.  Both of these things bring on High Anxiety for me.  While I am trying to be frugal at the holiday time my efforts are lacking any joy. Often trying to save money I find myself  spending another precious commodity---- time.  Medical coverage (or lack thereof) which I used to take so for granted is another stresser.  Suddenly we are switching medicines to generic or even going without.  I am feeling all new aches and pains and not able to make that  doctor appt to get them checked out for a $20 copay.  It costs $100 to just walk in the door at our doctors office and that's $100 that could pay a utility bill.  So no visits to the doctors.

I also have a heartache right now.  I am estranged from my youngest son.  I haven't had any contact with him in over a month and it really hurts.  I worry about him. I don't  how I can respect his need for independence from the family and relinquish the worry wort mothering role.  I simply don't know how to stop caring so I send emails that go answered in an attempt to let him know that I can mother him from afar despite his objections. Each unanswered email renews my anxiety so I know I shouldn't do it.  But then a commercial on TV or song on the radio stirs a wave of motherly emotions and I reach for my phone and text yet again.
I know my friends are tired of me bringing up how I am trying to let this go....I cannot...saying I can is just fooling myself.  Whenever I think of my son (which is often) another round of anxiety returns.

I guess just like Poor Mr Brooks in HIGH ANXIETY the elevator ride that is my life continues................

Answered Prayer Child Care is reopened.

Exciting development....the long awaited return of Answered Prayer Child Care.  

My husband Tim lost his job in late July.  It is proving to be financially devasting.  My already low spirits weren't exactly soaring at this news.  It has been a month of much trial but also it gave me the motivation to really make the move forward myself.

So here it is..day one.

I am caring for one beautiful little two year old girl and my own 2 year old grandson.  Right now they are squirming on their mats and trying to avoid nap time.  I felt much happier today even though this one client won't solve our current financial crisis.  It's a start of regaining control.  It might be a small step forward but hopefully will lead to a brighter future for us all.

Put one foot in front of the other

It's been over a month since I took the time to pen my thoughts.  I can't believe how six weeks can pass by so quickly.  I haven't moved forward much in this time.  I know it's only myself that is putting the brakes on what I could be accomplishing.  I have found all kinds of excuses for my inactivity.  My knee pain, my depression, my unemployment, a headache, a heartache....too hot, too cold, to sleepy, to hyper......all reasons for not moving forward.

But the days of our lives wait for no one.  Every day spent on the couch, in bed, inactive, inside....are mostly wasted.

So here I am at 3am trying to start again...it will only take putting one foot in front of the other and I will be further down the path then I was a moment before.  After that...I will do it all over again.

Thanks for staying on the journey with me.

Trish

Overcoming Inertia

Today was a day of overcoming my personal inertia.

Inertia is defined as  the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion. 

  My body awoke early this morning.  It was storming outside.  The rain and blackness of the sky made me want to return to my slumber.  I actually did for awhile imagining I could spend the whole day today in blissful sleep. 

I had scheduled two appointments today.  I went to my Chiropractor and got a much needed adjustment.   I can't say enough how much this helps my overall physical health.  I also used the whole body vibration machine.  I had a little trouble with my injured knee but did my regular workout minus the squats.  Usually this therapy leaves me invigorated for the day.  But today the rain dampened literally my spirits and in the short drive home I found myself longing for a nap and it was only 10:30 am. 

I was scheduled my mammogram today a noon.  I really wanted to call and make up some excuse for not doing it. Perhaps I could say that my breasts were too tender for the procedure.  Maybe it would be easier to blame not wanting to drive in a storm.  I decided to return to my state of rest for the hour before my appt and nap on the couch as a compromise to actually cancelling the appt.  I got up rested and at noon found myself at the hospital and ready for my tests.

The "twins" and I did not enjoy the test.  We manage to survive it.  I also stopped to read the displays showing how you calculate your risks for breast cancer.  My number added up to 250 which put me in the moderate risk factor.  I took a little  more time to check out the other information on self breast exam and promised my attendant I would wait 5 years for my next mammogram.  Yes it had been 5 years since my last exam.

Tonight I spent the evening at Chuck E. Cheese with my granddaughter, son Darren and his friend Katie.  It was a fun evening with lots of laughing.  It may have been just the thing to get me back on track.  I need to start enjoying life more.  I can't do that sleeping on the couch or in front of the computer or television.

As Always,

Trish

Challenge: Find ways to overcome my personal inertia.

Mother's Day

Sunday was Mother's Day and I have to admit that my kids have always regarded it as a special day for me no matter what age they were.  I've been the recipient of countless handmade cards and gifts.  I've even eaten breakfast in bed that consisted of  a bagel with cheesecake flavored creamed cheese and a dill pickle.
I've been served surprise feasts and given gifts of jewelry and flowers.  Each year I've felt appreciated and loved by the crazy crew I call my kids.

This year was no exception.  I got to sleep in and my son Andrew who has marvelous skills as a chef fixed a gourmet meal for lunch.  My teenage daughter actually gave me a kiss and a hug and that is quite unusual for her.  My daughter living in California called me and later that day I received a wonderful handmade card that included a photo of the two of us on the occasion of her recent engagement.  My third child had to work and thus sent me a mother's day meeting via text. 

It read:

Mom, Thanks for pushing me out of your vagina. Happy Mother's Day.

I returned a text stating:

My pleasure you were already a pain in the ass even then.  Love mom.

Now you might think this be a very rude and odd way to speak to your mother but then you don't know my sons and daughters.  To me this text no matter how vulgar symbolized my relation with my offspring.

I am past the mothering stage that I have to remind them, "I am not your friend, I am your mother"
Now I find myself asking to be their friend on myspace and facebook. I am not doing that to spy on them but instead to get to know them as the adults they now are.
 I am still their one and only mother. But as a parent of adult children I have formed such a bond that they can be themselves around me.  That is why this text was not offensive.  It is just how my son thinks. He is a college student who does not sugar coat anything.  He simply tells it how it is.
I am so happy my children can talk to me honestly and openly.  They still seek my advice but now I respect their choices even when they don't take it. 

I hope I never have to give up Mother's Day but I do enjoy that I can be more than mom.  I am a friend as well.

As always,
Trish

Re:Connecting with Family

Family everyone has one.  You really don't have a choice about who you are related to.  They are not like friends that you can pick and choose for the life stage you are in, or for the things you have in common with them.   Unlike friends, no matter where you live, how old you are your family remains the people who are related to you.  The only choice you have is how you relate to your relations. 

During my difficult times I have not been able to relate to my relations.  Being the oldest of 7 my younger siblings have often asked for advice from me.  I was the first married, first to have children, first to have grandchildren.  As I paved the way to adulthood, my brothers and sisters walked onto my path and I tried to help them the best I could.   While some were still children living with my parents, my husband got transferred to another city, and then another state and I became the first of us to leave our hometown.  I believe it was then the change began.  The change was not in my family but in myself.

There were no fighting or arguments there was only a distance that I created to keep myself from missing them all so much.  Perhaps I also wanted to protect myself by not telling them share with me  the pain I was experiencing in my life.  I was dealing with so much I guess I feared that in sharing it might diminish my role as the much older, wiser sister.  I started not being myself with my family.  I still loved them but instead of nurturing my relationship I became a stranger to many of my siblings. 

I had gotten to a point that I dreaded family gatherings.  I would procrastinate packing to the last minute.  Once I got there I would try to enjoy myself but after I while I would find  myself feeling empty.  I started feeling that I didn't fit in.  I made excuses like I had my own family here with my four kids and their own children.  But I was missing a relationship with the sisters and brothers I had shared a childhood with.  I let my now adult siblings become strangers to me for the most part.


I tried to fit in by being a doting Auntie to my many nieces and nephews.  I tried to reconnect with small gifts, treats, and greeting cards.  The truth was I was really avoiding dealing with my siblings themselves.

A few weeks ago I attended the wedding of my niece Nichole and her husband Sam.  It was at this party for the first time in years I felt reconnected with my extended family.  It was so enjoyable to be with everyone.
I felt so loved and I realized I had been loved all along.  I don't know if it was joyfulness of a wedding celebration or the fact I was just returning from a California Vacation with a newly engaged daughter I was ready to let my family see the real me.   As I moved around the room reconnecting with conversation and laughter with all my extended family I once again felt apart of all of them.  I felt like family. I realized how much I had been missing keeping my heart so closed. 

Yesterday, my husband and I had a cookout at my Sisters in Indianapolis.  My mom was visiting as well.  We played cards and games all afternoon with my sisters kids.  I hadn't laughed so hard and so long for years.  We stayed till 11pm...way longer than I would of ever thought.  Now that my heart is open I hope I will never close it again.

I have 4 wonderful sisters and 2 terrific brothers.  I want us to share more than DNA.  I know we will.


As always,

Trish


Challenge Four:  Reconnecting with family